The definition of a lover according to Buddhist perspectives prompts deep reflection

By Tâm Hoa -24/07/2018

When two people love each other, they are lovers; when they betray each other, they are enemies; when they see each other as strangers, they are strangers. Is this view really correct? Please read the story below to ponder:

Disciple: What is a lover, master?

Master: A lover is a lover, an enemy, a stranger.

Disciple: Why do you say that, master?

Master: When two people love each other, they are lovers; when they betray each other, they are enemies; when they see each other as strangers, they are strangers.

Disciple: Why does everything become the way you say, master?

Master: Love is born from the desire to love, and with desire comes attachment, because of attachment one wants to possess, and from there one unconsciously wants to control the other. When things do not go as expected, the heart becomes suspicious, jealous, angry, and thus conflicts and arguments arise, leading to loss of trust, causing harm to each other, being rude to each other, and even destroying each other.

Disciple: Why don't they cherish each other? If they cannot be together, why not bless each other and go their separate ways?

Master: There are many unreasonable people, very few understand the reason. Many are selfish, very few are altruistic. Many are domineering, only a minority are empathetic. Many exalt their ego, while very few consider things from the other's perspective. Think about it, to understand others, one must understand reason, and from there one can be tolerant and think of others' rights.

Disciple: Is that why you became a monk, master?

Master: When one starts the journey of suffering because of love, they do not understand they will experience ups and downs. At first, everything is like spring, everything is beautiful; then comes summer, conflicts continually arise; and when autumn arrives, everything gradually becomes indifferent; finally, it is winter, the time when feelings are completely gone. However, this love cycle persists in life, and they seek another person to repeat the same mistakes. Because after winter, spring comes again, and so it cycles. This is the river of desire for love of sentient beings, the main cause of samsara.

Disciple: So you do not encourage people to fall in love, master?

Master: I cannot say it is good, nor can I say it is not good. How to make it the best is up to oneself to decide!

Disciple: If people do not fall in love, there will be no marriages; without marriages, there will be no children; without children, there will be no human race; without the human race, won't the world become desolate, master?

Master: You do not need to worry about that. When they meet someone they love, they will naturally think about marriage. Someone asked me, if everyone becomes a monk, what will happen to the country's economy? How will humanity continue? I replied: "Your assumption has no basis, it is simply because you do not want to become a monk, and because you do not want it, you consider it unreasonable, thinking that taking care of oneself is the most important."

Disciple: So, what is a lover?

Master: A lover is a Bodhisattva and a Buddha.

Disciple: Why is that, master?

Master: Because "Without going through the bone-chilling cold, how can one smell the fragrant plum blossoms." That person has tested and trained you, helping you overcome difficulties, awaken when conditions are favorable, thereby achieving all states, being able to let go and live at ease.

Disciple: So in the end, what is a lover?

Master: A lover is someone who takes care of you, and also someone who tortures you.

A lover—according to different people's views, but in Buddhism, is someone who comes because of no debt.

To be understood and loved is an eternal human need. Many people often feel that no one understands them. They "hunger" for love, "hunger" for understanding. They wander through life looking for someone who understands and loves them. Meeting someone who understands and loves you is a great fortune in life. Love blossoms and grows from there.

Therefore, "to understand is to love" is the principle of choosing a lover, choosing a husband/wife according to Buddhist views. No matter how beautiful or wealthy they are, if they do not understand you, they will make you suffer for a lifetime. Marriage can open pathways of roses, or it can open the door of a prison.

True love now has no place to dwell. Young people come to love only because of needs, needing to be loved and needing someone to love, to satisfy instincts, to have a spiritual support, to decorate their ego, to fill the emptiness and loneliness, to be like or to cope with those around them. They gradually forget the noble meaning of love, which is dedication and sharing, support and tolerance. Loving each other, they only bring each other temporary satisfaction but sow endless suffering and pain for each other.

In fact, love also needs to be learned. Because if it is only instinct and passion, only demands and exhausting each other's energy, then sooner or later that love will decline. Being bored and then giving up. Unable to give up, they make each other suffer. Many young people grow up only knowing how to study, only knowing how to earn money, only knowing how to beautify their appearance, only knowing how to attract others' attention, but they have no ability to listen, sympathize, or tolerate anyone. They do not think that to love someone, they must let go of some of their selfish ego. Even if they know, they cannot do it because they do not practice skills and nurture their soul. They do not have the strength to do such things.

Love built on the foundation of selfishness, exploitation, and sexual satisfaction has no vitality, no truth. It is only a disguise. Because when you truly love someone, you will never let them suffer, not to mention wanting to make them suffer.

In great and noble love, every word and gesture must express mutual respect. The boy must respect the girl he loves, both her body and soul. The girl who knows how to preserve herself also knows how to make her lover respect her more, nurturing long-lasting happiness later on.

                                                                                                                Source: Collected