Concept of Friendship in Buddhism

 By Tâm Hoa - 24/07/2018

For teenagers, friendship can often be a complex and not easily understood topic. There are times when it is difficult to discern who has good intentions towards us and who does not. This article aims to clarify the subject of friendship from a Buddhist perspective, with the hope of providing guidance for young practitioners.

Others can be our friends or our enemies, or even neutral – neither friend nor foe. However, this is not permanent but subject to change. In general, friends are those who are sincere with us, have good intentions towards us, and are always ready to protect us. On the contrary, enemies do not treat us sincerely; they always wish to harm us and desire to see us suffer, lose, or be unhappy. Neutral people (i.e., acquaintances) neither have good intentions nor wish to harm us.

The Buddha taught the essential points to distinguish between friends and enemies profoundly in the Teaching of Siṁsapā Sutta. According to the Buddha’s advice, anyone who harms oneself and society is considered an enemy. Conversely, anyone who does not harm but brings happiness and strength to oneself and society is considered a friend. Those who do nothing are considered neutral.

Sometimes the line between friend and foe becomes blurred. Friends can behave like enemies, and enemies can behave like friends. This aligns with the principle of impermanence. Thus, everything in the world, including relationships, is always changing. Therefore, regardless of who we associate with, we should use wisdom as our guide. The most important thing is not to let others exploit, insult, trap, deceive, or harm us in any relationships, whether they are friends, enemies, or neutral according to our judgment.

There are wise and clever ways to prevent others from harming us. These strategies align with the Buddha’s teachings because they do not harm ourselves or others. In this way, no matter how others change, we will always be protected.

The Buddha advised us to avoid associating with foolish people. “Foolish people” here refer to those who lack wisdom and live in delusion – essentially those who lead a base life contrary to moral principles and norms or those who like to lead others away from the righteous path. Associating with such people will surely lead us to regress to their level through association and negative influence. It may even cause us to miss the opportunity to attain eternal peace in Nirvana.

The Buddha stated that if we cannot find a wise friend to associate with, or someone at our level of practice or higher, we should live a solitary life – that is, live in solitude. This advice is completely contrary to the Western way of thinking and societal customs, where solitary living is often despised. The essential matter is not to let such ways of thinking influence us, but always to seek the guidance of the Compassionate One to be led on the right path.

Humans need friendship because it brings many benefits. We rely on good friends in times of need; they are our dedicated advisors and faithful companions. This explains why everyone seeks deep friendships. From a Buddhist perspective, beings seek friendship to achieve greater “happiness.” So, how does Buddhism define this type of “happiness”? It is delight.

When talking about friends, it means being delighted to see them, happy to hear their conversations, warm when embracing them, and pleased when they evoke pleasant thoughts (such as good memories). When this type of “happiness” (pleasure) disappears, we feel “sad” (unsatisfied). In such cases, others may consider us “lonely.” Enlightened beings and advanced practitioners on the path do not need to seek friendship because they do not desire any worldly pleasures.

Typically, we classify those who bring us pleasure (i.e., create attachment, bonds) as “friends,” and those who bring dissatisfaction (i.e., create ill-will) as enemies. Choosing friends is a personal matter based on love/hate, standards, beliefs, perspectives, and personal faith, etc. It is not surprising that those with similarities attract each other, and those with different dispositions repel each other. Some people become our enemies because of their own shortcomings, such as fear, insecurity, desire, jealousy, ill-will, or even ignorance, not because we have done anything to offend them. In these situations, we did not “offend” them at all. We need to use wisdom to reflect on this issue to understand why they act this way.

Everyone has friends, enemies, and neutral acquaintances. Most people believe that friends have good intentions towards us, enemies want to harm us, and neutral people neither harm nor make us happy. The line between friend and foe is sometimes very blurry, so the key is to always use wisdom to employ subtle measures to prevent others from harming us, whether they are friends, enemies, or neutral acquaintances. In the Teaching of Siṁsapā Sutta, the Buddha elaborated on how to distinguish friends from enemies. It is not always possible to judge correctly based on appearance or outward behavior. The Buddha advised us to avoid associating with foolish people and to associate only with those who are at our level or higher on the path of practice. If we cannot find such companions, it is better to live alone, regardless of societal pressures. Beings seek companionship and friendship for various reasons, including the desire to transform pleasure, commonly referred to as “happiness.” Others may become enemies because of their own shortcomings, which have nothing to do with how we treat them.

Sincerely wishing that readers find good friends to support each other on the path of practice; if not, may you have the strength to practice the righteous path in solitude and tranquility to attain eternal peace in Nirvana!

 Translated from English: “A Buddhist Approach to Friendship” by Dharma Group. According to daophatngaynay.com